How-to speak your partner’s love language

It would always warm my heart to hear my Mom respond to the little ones in the family as they started to coo, in their attempt to have a conversation.  My Mom would laugh and affectionately say “What are you trying to say to me? I don’t speak Japtalian.” It would be so funny to watch them interact. Think about it, the more you talk and respond to the little ones the more they babble. They either become extremely joyful or extremely frustrated if their needs are not being met. 

Actually, you can witness them within seconds going from one extreme to the other. Isn’t this true with any relationship if the communicator doesn’t feel understood? As a parent or caregiver, you begin to understand more and more after each exchange of what they are attempting to communicate.  

 My experience is you can love someone really, really, really hard and it can go unnoticed, creating feelings of rejection, unwanted and unappreciated. The truth is that you are not speaking their language. If your language is English or Spanish and someone talks to you in Portuguese, how would that work for you?

 I’m married to my 1^st grade friend and for many years we found ourselves not fully understanding and communicating with each other. I couldn’t understand the tension and why I didn’t feel the romance in our marriage. Why did he not get me or understand my wants and desires? Was the Honeymoon just a passing memory? Honestly, I really thought will I ever experience the Honeymoon I dreamed about?  He would often say to me in a tone “Just give me the Script”.

I was frustrated, taking super long baths asking Calgon to take me away.  Wondering what’s wrong with me, fantasizing about walks in the Park. I’m pretty sure Hallmark today was created and written from my long Calgon Baths. He was in the next room confused wondering how much more can he do for me. It’s never enough as I continued to be unsatisfied and perhaps unappreciative. Thinking what’s wrong with her, can’t she see I’m trying to get this house painted and she expects me to blow off the day by walking in a Park? He’s a Godly Man breaking generational curses… Faithful, working hard providing an amazing lifestyle for his wife, a home, travel, car (Porsche), let’s just say everything but the dog because I didn’t want one.  We had Fish lol. 

Thank God for The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

This book opened our eyes and hearts to understanding the disconnection, outlining the five ways to express and experience love through the “Love Languages”.

Chapman describes those five love languages as:

• 1.    Words of Affirmation
• 2.    Quality Time
• 3.    Receiving Gifts
• 4.    Acts of Service
• 5.    Physical Touch

Just like we communicate in our literal language, we have a tendency to communicate in our personal love language.  You see we weren’t speaking the same love language. I was speaking Quality Time and my husband was speaking Acts of Service, serving and taking care of me.

If any of your relationships (spouse, child, parent, friend) are challenged, there may not be anything wrong other than the differences in your ways of communicating and expressing love. You might just be speaking a love language that they don’t fully understand, and they’re speaking a love language that you need to learn. Learn how to speak each other’s love languages, being loved in the way that you understand and appreciate is important. This eliminates tension, confusion and missed communication, giving the opportunity to experience the true expression of Love.

 If you need to find out your own love language, take this quiz on Dr. Chapman’s Web site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/. Invite your loved ones to take the quiz.

 The chart provided below offers examples and recommendations for each love language.